Positive… And negative.

*disclaimer – this post may be TMI for some of you, so if you don’t want to hear about… Uh… women problems… Then stop reading*

Today was the day that I found out whether I am pregnant or not. Before I get to the results of my beta today, let me go back to Friday.

On Friday I was 6dp5dt (6 days past 5 day transfer)… I knew it was too early to take a home pregnancy test, and that it would be negative, but I just couldn’t resist. So I bought 2 first response tests. Up until that point I hadn’t had many symptoms. I had very slight spotting and cramping on Tuesday and Wednesday, and it came and went, but I was told after my transfer that it was completely normal so I didn’t even stress it. I took the pregnancy test and it was negative… I wasn’t surprised it upset, I expected that response and was still SURE I was pregnant… Why wouldn’t I be? I had a great looking embryo, my uterus had looked perfect, it just made sense. I decided I would wait 2 more days, and then test again on Monday… The day before my first beta.

Sunday night I tried not to drink too much before I went to sleep, because I knew I’d have to use first morning urine for my test, and I didn’t want to have to pee in the night. Well I woke up at 1:30am having to go and forced myself back to sleep… Then again and 2:30am… And finally again at 3:30am. It was then I couldn’t hold it anymore and so I decided to just take the test then. My pregnancy test came back positive and I was on cloud 9! Holy moly, I am pregnant! I couldn’t fall back asleep because all I kept thinking about was this precious little baby growing inside me.

Fast forward just a few hours later, and I began to have some bleeding… And I am talking more than just spotting. It was bright red and resembled a period. I was beyond crushed and freaking out all day. How could this be happening? I just tested positive only a few hours earlier?! Several of my family, friends, and co-workers convinced me that sometimes it is normal. There have been people who have had bleeding the first few months and it is no big deal. I was able to call myself down enough to convince myself that there was still a good chance that things were okay, but I was very afraid of having a chemical pregnancy.

So today I went in for my beta, and the nurse asked me how I was doing. I let her know what had happened, and she said even though they don’t want to hear that a patient has bleeding resembling a period, that there was still a chance that things would turn out positive and everything would be fine.

Everything is not fine. Not even close.

My beta tested positive, I am pregnant. But my hcg levels were very low. She indicated that this means 1 of 2 things.
1) the embryo implanted, but it isn’t going to be a viable pregnancy and I am miscarrying or
2) the embryo is just being slow to implant, and my numbers may begin to increase.
She said option 2 is very unlikely given how heavy my bleeding is, and that she doesn’t want to give me false hope. I have to go back in on Thursday and see how things stand.

A positive test and losing this baby is even worse than just a straight up negative. I feel so defeated. So broken hearted. I wanted this so badly… My love for this little embryo had already blossomed so much, I can’t stand this. I know I have a few tries left, but that doesn’t make things easier. What if those don’t work? I just used my best embryo and it didn’t work! What if I never get the chance to have a baby DJ? I cannot even entertain that thought, it makes me physically ill to think about it. So much time, emotions, pain, love, and hope (not to mention money) was invested in this, it just doesn’t seem fair. The only thing I take comfort in, is knowing that the little munchkin is on it’s way to wherever D is, and they will have each other. I know I’m throwing myself a major pity party right now, but I feel entitled to it.

I feel tired, worn out, and broken. I am broken.