It’s been a while

I haven’t updated on anything because I really haven’t had any news to update. I’ve been in a weird place emotionally. One minute I am doing okay, and the next I am a ball of tears. I have been trying to stay optimistic for my next (and final) try, but knowing this is my last shot has really been messing with my head. I am anxiety ridden, I am hardly sleeping, and I am constantly dwelling on the ‘what ifs?’. Boy has this IVF ride been exhausting.

I have come up with a new plan. I am able to try again as early as July, but I’ve decided I need some more time to try and prepare myself for what is to come. I’m trying to be realistic, and there is a very real chance that this isn’t going to work for me. It breaks my heart to even entertain the thought, but that is the reality of the situation. I need to take time to process that, and to figure out what I am going to do if this doesn’t work out for me. Having Dennis’ baby is the only thing I am SURE that I want to do with my life right now. So with that being said, I need to do everything in my power to make this next cycle work. I need to be in the best possible health I can be in so I know I’ve exhausted every option and have done every thing I can. If this fails, I never want to look back and think maybe it’s because of something I did (or didn’t do). For this reason I have decided that I need to lose about 50lbs before I will try again. I’ve been eating really well and just joined a gym today. I know I can do this, I’ve done it before, and now I have no better reason.

Also, seeing as how this will take some time (I’m thinking about 6-8 months), I am also thinking about going back and finishing nursing school. If they would accept me back into the program, then I believe I would have 9 months left. I want to better myself as much as I can, and send as many positive vibes into the universe, so that maybe this will work out for me. I know it sounds so stupid, but sometimes I feel like the universe is trying to tell me I don’t deserve this. When my husband died, I sometimes thought that it was some kind of punishment for not being a good enough person or something. I know that sounds crazy, but when things are so out of your control and you want more than anything to control the situation, it fucks with your head. Once you know the outcome of a situation, it’s so easy to look into the past and think of things you would have done differently.

So for now, I am going to do everything I can to better my chances. Even if it is far fetched and silly, even if it’s going to put this off for longer than I want, I need to do this. I need some peace of mind.

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The IVF Worry

Unicorns and Baby Dust

Every woman who has gone through IVF will understand and appreciate the level of worry I’m trying to describe. And this is what we experience all before we are pregnant.

Here is a breakdown of the IVF worry I’ve experienced so far:

1. Worry if we can afford IVF?
2. Worry how much the medication will cost?
3. Worry about being home to accept medication. And when it arrived I almost passed out from shock. How much freakin medication am I going to take?
4. Worry about baseline ultrasounds and that nothing blocks a cycle from starting.
5. Worry that all the needles I’m sticking in me are creating enough good quality eggs.
6. Worry that I’m mixing this shit right.
7. Worry that the vein I hit while giving myself injections could have punctured something important.
8. Worry that my veins in my elbow will create too much scar…

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More unexpected news.

Thursday I had my follow up appointment with my doctor since my chemical pregnancy. I was meeting with him to go over everything that had happened, and to talk about what comes next. For some reason I had this idea in my head that I would leave the appointment feeling encouraged, but I left just the opposite. It’s kind of a long story, so bare with me.

The facility I go to has several different locations, and when my appointments fall on the weekend I usually have to go to one of the other locations and see a different doctor. I really really love my doctor, and so whenever I get stuck seeing someone else it is always a little disappointing. So anyway, the day of my transfer during my last cycle fell on a Saturday, and so I had a different doctor do the procedure. This doctor told me I had definitely 4 but probably 5 embryos that were going to be frozen (the fifth embryo was a little behind in development, but he was confident it was going to make it to blastocyst stage). So, I was happy to know that if this cycle didn’t work I still had 4 or 5 chances.

Fast forward to Thursdays appointment. I sit down with my normal fabulous doctor, and he informs me that I only have ONE embryo frozen. One. He said that they freeze the embryos on day 7 because they feel they freeze a little better on day 7 than day 5. He told me that the rest of the embryos stopped developing between days 5 and 7. He told me that considering I only had one embryo out of my 17 eggs that fertilized, that this usually indicates there is a problem with either male or female infertility.

In this case, he thinks the problem is on the male side. I responded to my stimming meds just like a healthy 26 year old woman should. 19 of my 20 eggs were mature, and they looked to be of great quality. He says usually if it was the female side, I wouldn’t have produced the amount of eggs that I had, or only a few of the 20 eggs would have been mature. My doctor believes that since my husband had stage 3 cancer at the time he gave his specimen that it was most likely damaged. He explained that it is very possible that the cancer had taken more of a toll on his body at that point than anyone really thought.

So here’s the thing. This whole time I’ve never even worried about that. Why would the doctors have suggested he freeze sperm if it was possible that they had been affected without ever testing it first? I am so angry. We were supposed to freeze it before chemo made him sterile, not the cancer. My doctor brings up a good point; we can do genetic testing on my husbands specimen, but it’s pretty pointless because there isn’t anything we can do to improve the quality at this point. If Dennis were here that would be a different story, we’d have options. But he’s not, and so we don’t.

The one positive thing I learned during the appointment was that the remaining embryo I have is a perfect graded embryo. He said it cannot be graded any better than what it is. He thinks I have a 50/50 chance of this working. I have one final shot, this is my last chance. You better believe that I am taking my chances. I need to know that I have done everything in my power and have exhausted every option. I don’t know what I will do if this doesn’t work, but I’ve decided not to even entertain the idea. I will cross that bridge if and when I get there. For now I just have to try and stay optimistic and also realistic, and just do the best that I can.

Chemical pregnancy

It was confirmed on Friday that this wasn’t a viable pregnancy, and I have been putting off writing this because it is just so damn hard. This has been a very rough week and I am grieving this loss, but I am also doing my best to be optimistic for the future. I have a meeting with my doctor on Thursday to go over everything that has happened, and to discuss where we go from here.