I haven’t updated on anything because I really haven’t had any news to update. I’ve been in a weird place emotionally. One minute I am doing okay, and the next I am a ball of tears. I have been trying to stay optimistic for my next (and final) try, but knowing this is my last shot has really been messing with my head. I am anxiety ridden, I am hardly sleeping, and I am constantly dwelling on the ‘what ifs?’. Boy has this IVF ride been exhausting.
I have come up with a new plan. I am able to try again as early as July, but I’ve decided I need some more time to try and prepare myself for what is to come. I’m trying to be realistic, and there is a very real chance that this isn’t going to work for me. It breaks my heart to even entertain the thought, but that is the reality of the situation. I need to take time to process that, and to figure out what I am going to do if this doesn’t work out for me. Having Dennis’ baby is the only thing I am SURE that I want to do with my life right now. So with that being said, I need to do everything in my power to make this next cycle work. I need to be in the best possible health I can be in so I know I’ve exhausted every option and have done every thing I can. If this fails, I never want to look back and think maybe it’s because of something I did (or didn’t do). For this reason I have decided that I need to lose about 50lbs before I will try again. I’ve been eating really well and just joined a gym today. I know I can do this, I’ve done it before, and now I have no better reason.
Also, seeing as how this will take some time (I’m thinking about 6-8 months), I am also thinking about going back and finishing nursing school. If they would accept me back into the program, then I believe I would have 9 months left. I want to better myself as much as I can, and send as many positive vibes into the universe, so that maybe this will work out for me. I know it sounds so stupid, but sometimes I feel like the universe is trying to tell me I don’t deserve this. When my husband died, I sometimes thought that it was some kind of punishment for not being a good enough person or something. I know that sounds crazy, but when things are so out of your control and you want more than anything to control the situation, it fucks with your head. Once you know the outcome of a situation, it’s so easy to look into the past and think of things you would have done differently.
So for now, I am going to do everything I can to better my chances. Even if it is far fetched and silly, even if it’s going to put this off for longer than I want, I need to do this. I need some peace of mind.